Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: how are you
Friday: good
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok