Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap