I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat