Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
You Might Also Like
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”