[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
This is my pinned tweet
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works