When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
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Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.