coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Saw your ex at the shops
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.