My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
You Might Also Like
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!