[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
can you read it!!??
maan!