*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Chicago sounds lovely.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack