[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
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God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.