[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”