As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.