The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?