Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
where do you see yourself in five years?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?