Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: