Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
seems fine
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I am having an out of money experience.