Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
#dalle2
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Why is everyone getting married at me
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.