The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.