im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
i actually laughed 😩
yeet