Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Some people were born into their job.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.