I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
You Might Also Like
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.