Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what