I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.