*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Finally a use for spoilers…
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room