cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Noted.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered