Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Make new friends? bro out of what?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter