PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?