FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter