maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real