Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Monday Lisa
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
three things we don’t talk about
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…