I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”