Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.