*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
You Might Also Like
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
the rocks need my help
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”