Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.