me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
🤔😂😂
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job