I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?