You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
You Might Also Like
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.