Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
ouch
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.