Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
what’s more important?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!