[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.