[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.