If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.