People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard