MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
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Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
pat pat
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift