me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire