some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning