geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
im 7 sauces long
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!