I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Pretty much. 🤣
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.