Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel